One of my friends used to say that there’s no such thing as “very” pregnant. You’re either pregnant or you aren’t. Polyamory feels similar – you’re either polyamorous or you aren’t, right? And yet, there are some situations when I stop and think, “This is very polyamorous of us.” Then I usually laugh, because it’s either silly or heartwarming or both.
My three most involved partners and I socialize in overlapping circles, so these very polyamorous moments tend to happen on a regular basis. When they do, my heart always feels so full because the experiences tend to contradict the idea that non-monogamy has to be grueling or hard all the time. Sure, polyamory has challenges just like any other relationship structure, but it can also be so supportive and so joyful, too.
That Time We Were All at a Wedding
(Otherwise known as my magical polyamorous girl transformation.)
I was part of my close friend’s bridal party at a wedding that included all three of my partners and a number of their partners, and so on. As the night started winding down, I realized that I had yet to get a photo of all three of my partners and me all dressed up at our best.
I don’t know whose idea it was, but the bouquet I was holding reminded someone of a magical girl wand – think Sailor Moon. Within seconds, my three partners assembled around me with their hands meeting palm-to-palm overhead. Not only do I have photos, but I also have a video of me spinning in the middle as part of my magical girl transformation sequence.
Sending Parcels Through the Poly Post
One of my partners came over with homemade brownies last night. As he left, I offered to transfer the brownies to my own container so that he could take his home. He shrugged. “Just send it back with my partner next week after she sees your partner.”
Ah, yes. Ye olde trusty poly post. You don’t need to have out-of-town comet partners to make use of the poly post system. The Los Angeles metropolitan area is big enough that sometimes the fastest way to get items across town to their destination is to send them through the interconnected web of partners between you who are more likely to see each other sooner.
Coming and Going With Different Partners
You know all of those song lyrics where the singer insists that they’re going home with the person they came with? Turns out, that sentiment does not necessarily apply to polyamory.
Over Labor Day weekend, my partner Matt and his wife Fiona hosted a small barbecue at their house. I drove to the barbecue with my partner Ron, who stayed for a few hours and left to meet up with his partner Sabrina that evening. (I know this is beginning to sound like a complicated algebra problem but bear with me.) My partner Tim was also invited, so we planned to drive home from the barbecue together and hang out that evening.
In the end, I drove with one partner to a party hosted by another partner and left with a different partner altogether. I think I may have said at one point that this was the most poly thing I’d ever done.
It’s true that sometimes scheduling is a nightmare for non-monogamous relationships simply because of the number of people and the logistics involved. But it was oh so deeply satisfying to line up our calendars in a way that made this polycule shuffle possible.
All My Eggs Keep Hanging Out in the Same Basket
My partner Ron hosts tabletop roleplaying games at his place almost every weekend. Earlier this year, Ron texted me a photograph of my partners Tim and Matt sitting on either side of him at the kitchen table, their character sheets and dice in front of them.
Now remember, I have anxiety! So my first thought was: damn, if a meteor hits that house, all my partners are there! All my eggs just sitting there, hanging out in the same basket!
Fortunately, the house neither burned down nor got vaporized by a meteor. And I love it when my partners hang out with each other just because they want to, not because they have to or for my sake. I never expect all of my partners to get along, much less make an independent effort to spend time together, but I’m happy and grateful for their friendship.
In the last year, Ron and I moved into a duplex property where we now live as next-door neighbors. As we prepared to move, Tim commented on how easy it was going to be to sleep over with me on a Friday or Saturday night and then roll out of bed to Ron’s D&D game next door the following morning. (He was right!)
Forming Unified Fronts
I’m open about the fact that I suffer from an eating disorder. My partners know that at any given time on any given day, I’m most likely in a calorie deficit. It’s not their job or responsibility to make sure that I eat properly, but sometimes they do take it upon themselves to poke me in the right direction or feed me, for which I am always thankful.
I found out recently that my partners also know the various ways I try to weasel out of eating. A couple of months ago, Tim was over when Ron stopped by to grab something from my kitchen. I’d made a bowl of food for myself, but I’d lost interest after a few minutes of chipping at it. “Does anyone want the rest of my food?” I offered.
Almost at the same time, without missing a single beat, they both replied, “Nope.” When I insisted, they insisted back in the same unwavering tone. “That’s your food for you to eat.” I could finish it or I could not, but they weren’t going to take it from me.
“Ugh, fine,” I grumbled, outnumbered, and continued eating. When I remarked on the similarity of their responses, they barely bat an eye. We know how this goes. Even though they were essentially forming a unified front against me in a way, I felt seen and cared for. And also, maybe I have a type and I like being bossed around a little bit.
With nine years and counting since I started practicing polyamory, these “extremely polyam” moments are bound to happen – and I love it when they do. No matter how small these interactions may be in the grand scheme of things, for me, these little delights help normalize the fact that non-monogamy isn’t some wild and crazy thing. It’s just a part of our everyday lives.
Do you have similar stories of times you’ve felt so very polyamorous? Comment them below!