Polyamory and other forms of ethical non-monogamy (ENM) can open up your world to new relationships, new experiences, and new forms of love and connection. But just like anything else, the lifestyle can come with some… annoying pet peeves.
Iām not talking about the real challenges that come with polyamory ā learning to communicate better, processing your feelings, dealing with jealousy, meeting metamours, coming out to family. Iām talking about the little things that you never thought would be an issue until you try to schedule a date and realize just how complicated logistics can get with multiple partners.
Donāt get me wrong, I love my polyamorous life. But these pet peeves can be annoying AF.
1. You gotta get good at scheduling ā and fast!
Who doesnāt love a good chaotic bisexual? Just keep the chaos out of your scheduling, for your sake and the sake of your partners and metamours, too! Trust me, everyone will appreciate it.
Good calendaring simply becomes a necessity in polyamory because you’re juggling so many lives. I often schedule my dates weeks or a month or two in advance, and I know people who are booked even further out than that. Currently, Iām sharing calendars with four regular partners ā thatās on top of my own schedule and my roommateās. Want to see how it looks?
Imagine how any of this would work without proper calendar planning. Not only am I trying to schedule dates with my partners, but theyāre also trying to schedule dates with their other partners. If we want privacy, we have to figure out when roommates and other nesting partners are out of the house. Add into this mix all of our regular life schedules, and you can see why you must have your calendaring skills on lock!
My roommate isnāt polyamorous, but she picked up obsessive calendaring from me. Itās a hazard of being my friend. I will inundate you with Google Calendar invites.
Huh. Does this make GCal invites one of my love languages?
2. So much laundry to keep your bedsheets fresh.
It’s only polite to wash your bedsheets, pillow covers, and blankets between different partners. You don’t realize just how much laundry this can amount to until you have a week where you see all four of your partners.
Pro tip? Invest in multiple sets of sheets. You donāt want to accidentally forget and run out of clean sheets just before bedtime.
If itās just playtime without a sleepover, you can at least get away with putting blankets and towels underneath you to keep your covers clean.
3. Getting blank stares when you talk about your partners before you realize you forgot to explain you were polyamorous.
I recently started talking to a new therapist referred to me by my regular therapist. She asked me about my sources of support and I started naming off my partners and how they all supported me in different ways. I noticed as I spoke that she sort of froze with an unsure smile ā then I realized I’d never actually explained that I was polyamorous.
As soon as I explained that we were non-monogamous, she nodded and relaxed and we continued with our session. It didnāt ever become an issue.
My last three mental health professionals were all either ENM practicing or informed so Iād gotten used to being around my mostly polyamorous and ENM-adjacent community. This is just about the best way someone outside of the community can react to that reveal and I was grateful for it. I am glad to live somewhere I donāt necessarily have to hide my lifestyle.
4. Your neighbors might notice the comings and goings.
Maybe your neighbors don’t have that much to do. Or maybe they just happen to notice multiple partners and their cars coming and going from your home.
Best case scenario, your neighbors mind their own business and donāt think twice about your overnight callers. Worst case scenario? You might get judged for the way you live.
In my last building, my neighbor became familiar with my primary partner. Then one night she saw me coming home with another partner. Her interactions with me after that point became abrupt and coldā ā āI’m pretty sure she assumed that I was cheating.
5. Forgetting which stories you told which partners.
Youāre on a date when you get on a topic that reminds you of a story. You start telling the story when a sense of deja vu rolls over you. Youāve told this story before. But to whom?
Of course, you have those non-monogamists who take advantage of this particular issue. Theyāve got a pun or a dad joke and theyāre going to take every opportunity to tell it again, and again, and again. Oh, you already heard it? Too bad. You get to hear it again!
6. Losing track of which outfits you wore with each partner.
No lie ā when I was actively dating new prospects, I assigned first date, second date, and third date outfits in my head and wore those outfits in that order for each person. Trying to keep track of this any other way was way too much work for me.
Of course, this evens out over time as you start seeing each other more. No doubt by the time I hit a certain number of dates I start recycling outfits. But Iād rather avoid accidentally wearing the same outfit to my first, second, and third dates with someone. I gotta show my full range, you know?
This problem can also work in your favor. Got a new outfit or lingerie set you love? You get to experience the delight of revealing it to a partner two, three, four, or five times instead of one!
7. Sorting laundry can get tricky if youāve got similar sizes or styles in your polycule.
Got Goths in your house? Have fun sorting the amorphous mound of black clothes. Donāt even get started on the pile of yoga pants and workout clothes.
You know how couples, roommates, and friends start to dress alike? Just multiply that by the number of partners you have. Itās also no secret that most of us have types ā so itās no surprise when styles of partners and metamours start to overlap and blend together.
8. Keeping track of multiple dietary restrictions and preferences.
Itās important to respect your partnersā dietary restrictions and preferences. One of my partners writes down facts like this for each of his partners in a notetaking app on his phone. He also notes any personal details or life developments. Before dates, he can just look through the app if he needs a refresher. This can come in handy especially if you have comet partners who come around your orbit only every once in a while.
9. Which newds and lewds have you sent to which partners?
Youāve got your stash of thirst traps, nudes, and lewd selfies. In that stash are some of your greatest hits. You want to share them with your partners, of course, but you want to keep your content fresh. Have you sent the nude before or not??
Personally, I wouldnāt complain about a partner sending me lewds even if theyāre a repeat.
10. Which shows are you going to watch (or rewatch) together?
Are you ready to commit to a TV show together? What if more than one partner wants to watch the show? What if you only see each other every other week ā are you ready to commit to that pace? Cause Mad Menās gonna take you a while to get through on that schedule.
If youāve got a polycule or house show that you all watch together, youāve got to work with all of your schedules. The only time that works for all of you may be on Saturday when the hottest TV show comes out weekly on a Wednesday. Youād better avoid spoilers in the meantime!
These pet peeves are based on my own lived experience and an informal poll of my polyamorous friend group. That means weāre bound to have missed some pet peeves. What are your polyamorous pet peeves and how do you deal with them?